The Steel Guitar Forum

Posted: **29 May 2003 2:40 am**

1st verse: (Based on a true story)

I think my cat's a pervert. She likes licking on my toes. (2 X)
The dirtier nad smellier the better. Oooo, it's really gross.

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Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
I'm schizophrenic,
and so am I

Posted: **29 May 2003 3:59 am**

Ok, but if we're gonna write the blues, ya gotta follow the historical traditions of the genre, as summarized below:

1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning."
"I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line.

I got a good woman--
with the meanest dog in town.

2. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.

Got a good woman
with the meanest dog in town.
He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher
and he weighs about 500 pounds.

3. The blues are not about limitless choice.
Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

4. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

5. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota are just a depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues.

6. The following colors do not belong in the blues:
violet
beige
mauve

7.You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, the lighting is wrong. Bad places for the Blues include:
Ashrams
Gallery openings
Weekends in the Hamptons

8. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man.

9. Do you have the right to sing the blues?
Yes, if:
a. your first name is a southern state--like Georgia
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis.
d. you can't be satisfied.

No, if:
a. you were once blind but now can see.
b. you're deaf
c. you have a trust fund.

Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbra Streisand can sing the blues.

9. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues. Other blues beverages are:
wine
Irish whiskey
muddy water

Blues beverages are NOT:
a. Any mixed drink
b. Any wine kosher for Passover
c. Yoo Hoo (all flavors)

10. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, or being denied treatment in an emergency room. It is not a blues death, if you die during a liposuction treatment.

11. Some Blues names for Women:
Sadie
Big Mama
Bessie

Some Blues Names for Men
Joe
Willie
Little Willie
Lightning

Persons with names like Sierra or Sequoia will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

12. Other Blues Names (Starter Kit)

Name of Physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic)
First name (see above) or name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi)
Last Name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
Mix and Match [This message was edited by Jim Cohen on 29 May 2003 at 05:00 AM.]

Posted: **29 May 2003 4:44 am**

....but you don't have to repeat the first line if you use the Muddy Waters form, such as..

..1-4'-b3-1....I beat on my Momma..1-4'-b3-1...I beat on my Pop...1-4'-b3-1...I beat on my sister..1-4'-b3-1...I beat on a cop...1-4'-b3-1...maaaannn....

...also, Mike, you're gonna have to get a dog to suck on your toes, 'cause cats don't fit in a blues song, regardless of which other word you choose to call them..[This message was edited by Pat Burns on 29 May 2003 at 06:53 AM.]

Posted: **29 May 2003 5:11 am**

Pat's right. Only old dogs in blues songs. And, pu-leeze: no PUPPIES! Cats are strictly verboten, unless they're black and givin' you more blues by crossing your path.

Posted: **29 May 2003 6:03 am**

The postman stole my dog last week
I can never get him back
I got so low in pocket change
I had to eat my cat

The neighbors called the SPCA
And they come and dragged me off
I feel so low in this jail hole
Just rattling my water pot.

The judge he was a lover
of creatures big and small
He looked me over sullenly
And didn't heed my call.

Didn't get me a smart lawyer
So now I'm doing 6 to life
Had no paycheck fo to give him
Cause the postman stole that twice

So keep you dogs a smilin
No temptations in their way
I'll treat my fido with respect
if they let me out someday.

"The song wot I wrote"
[This message was edited by David L. Donald on 29 May 2003 at 07:05 AM.]

Posted: **29 May 2003 6:06 am**

...OK, Mike, lets start again...

...1-4-b3-1...I woke up this mornin'...1-4-b3-1...and what does you knows...1-4-b3-1...my crotch lickin' hound dog..1-4-b3-1...was suckin' my toes...

...is that close enough?...[This message was edited by Pat Burns on 29 May 2003 at 07:18 AM.]

Posted: **29 May 2003 6:51 am**

Hey guys, Think we may have too much loose time on our hands here ? huh ??

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JUST 'CAUSE I STEEL, DON'T MAKE ME A THIEF

Posted: **29 May 2003 7:02 am**

Went to eat my breakfast
That dawg had ate my bread
So I kicked his fool head
An' went back to bed.

Posted: **29 May 2003 7:29 am**

...1-4-b3-1...so I took the dog's breakfast...1-4-b3-1...went outside alone...1-4-b3-1...and ate it my own self...1-4-b3-1....'cause I'm bad to the bone...1-4-b3-1....bbbbbbbad.....

Posted: **29 May 2003 7:36 am**

...Well I got up this monin...
I streched and scratched my head
I looked out the winda
Went rite strait back bed...
My Pit Bulls gone
My Pit Bulls gone ( if pit bulls are not acceptable as a blues dog,insert hound dog here)
I guess some time last night
He done got mad and quit
He never came back home
After I let him out too......

Patrick you can't be blusey,your from Branchville New.Jersey.

Ray

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Steeling is still legal in Arizona

[This message was edited by Ray Jenkins on 29 May 2003 at 08:37 AM.][This message was edited by Ray Jenkins on 29 May 2003 at 09:04 AM.][This message was edited by Ray Jenkins on 29 May 2003 at 09:06 AM.]

Posted: **29 May 2003 7:55 am**

Sorry guys, this is based on truth, and the truth is that it;s my cat is the one who is into dirty and smelly toe licking. The dog is more into eating shoes.

Actually I don't own a can and dog. I share my house with Feline and Canine-Americans.

Posted: **29 May 2003 8:14 am**

...you're right, Ray, that's much too Norman Rockwellian a name for a town, and my name might as well be "Sparkling Waters"....

..from now on, call me Hamburger Paddy, from Mudflap, Mississippi...

...I was just thinking, I know now why "Little Richard" didn't use the nickname for Richard...

[This message was edited by Pat Burns on 29 May 2003 at 09:15 AM.]

Posted: **29 May 2003 8:17 am**

Nope...sorry! "Pit Bull" is not an acceptable dog for a Blues song. Neither is any other purebred dog. (With the possible exception of of a Bloodhound...provided he's chasing you.) The Pit Bull is a yuppie, insecure whitey, or drug-dealer's dog! (None of them is qualifies for da Blues.)

The only really acceptable canine for a Blues song is "an ol' houn' dog".

OK?

Posted: **29 May 2003 8:20 am**

Woke up this mornin'
realized my dog had run away..

Woke up this mornin'
realized my dog had run away..

Saw my dog in the neighbors yard..
then remembered ..it was his dog ..anyway...

(Guitar turn around right about here)

Put out some dog food
hopin' he would run to me..

Put out some dog food
hopin' he would run to me..

He came runnin' across the grass..
then he bit me in the Axx....

tp
[This message was edited by Tony Prior on 29 May 2003 at 10:40 AM.]

Posted: **29 May 2003 8:32 am**

Nope...sorry! "Pit Bull" is not an acceptable dog for a Blues song. Neither is any other purebred dog. (With the possible exception of of a Bloodhound...provided he's chasing you.) The Pit Bull is a yuppie, insecure whitey, or drug-dealer's dog! (None of them is qualifies for da Blues.)

Seriously, I have a pit bull. Pits have a reputation for being vicious, but my dog is not like that at all. He is the sweetest most loving dog imaginable. 75 pounds of love and affection.

He's incredibly strong, and if he were vicious, he'd be dangerous. But he has never known anything but love and positive reinforcement, and so he has turned out very happy and friendly. Pits are this way by nature. It's only the ones who are trained to be violent or abused who turn out vicious.

Posted: **29 May 2003 8:52 am**

It's only the ones who are trained to be violent or abused who turn out vicious.

My Pit Bull ain't violent
He sho nuff ain't abused
The meanest thing he ever done
Was chew up all my shoes
My Pit Bulls gone,he got the blues....
(sorry Donny,this will be my last reference to a pit bull in my blues songs)

Ray
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Steeling is still legal in Arizona

[This message was edited by Ray Jenkins on 29 May 2003 at 10:17 AM.]

Posted: **29 May 2003 9:25 am**

...yeah, come on, Mike, this category is about "Music", specifically Blues...not about the ASPCA...in fact, the more abused the dog, the better in this topic...

...1-4-b3-1...that dog he been whooped on...1-4-b3-1...that dog he been beat...1-4-b3-1...that dog he don't wanna...1-4-b3-1...lay down by my feet....

Posted: **29 May 2003 9:33 am**

Perhaps the race card should not be played here but, To be politically correct, I think there are certain ethnic and economic values that qualify you to be a "Blues" artist. What are your thoughts?

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kd...and the beat goes on...

[This message was edited by Kenny Dail on 29 May 2003 at 10:34 AM.]

Posted: **29 May 2003 9:48 am**

...you're right...

...1-4-b3-1...I ain't had no blubber...1-4-b3-1....cain't buy me no whale...1-4-b3-1....I ain't even rubbed noses...1-4-b3-1....since I came to this jail...1-4-b3-1...bbbbbbbbrrrr....[This message was edited by Pat Burns on 29 May 2003 at 11:56 AM.]

Posted: **29 May 2003 10:09 am**

...Oh Lordy Lordy,I got Lepersey
So bad it's crawlin all over me
There went part of my rotten leg It fell in my green baloney
And scrambled egg....
(didn't mention my pit bull once)

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Steeling is still legal in Arizona

Posted: **29 May 2003 11:53 am**

I'll bet Tony has all these new songs copyrighted already!!!

Posted: **29 May 2003 12:45 pm**

My pit bull she be growlin'
Done gone recalcitrant on me...

(repeat, add "yeah, she has")

Since I gived 'way all her puppies
Dat b!+(# bares her teef at me...

Yo-dee-lay-EEEE-oooh,
Canine post-partum blues....

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___________________
GFI S-12 extended E9

Posted: **29 May 2003 12:51 pm**

Got a pit bull canine-American. And people tell me he's vicious.

but all he ever bites, is ham cheese turkey chicken beef pork and fishes.

Posted: **29 May 2003 1:00 pm**

My Song -

I Woke Up Dis Moanin'

an' at my stage in life, dat's be enuff

Posted: **29 May 2003 1:35 pm**

I got the real blues about
an old maiden sheep and a dog
But if I put it into song
I would most likely be crying
so I won't.

But it is a some real blues...
Never would have imagined I would
have the blues over a sheep...

( and not like your thinkin'... dirty minds)

The Steel Guitar Forum

Let's all wrote a BLUES song.

Let's all wrote a BLUES song.