The Mime/UPS Incident (AP, Boston, August 1991)
The scene: A corporate gig at a fancy hotel in Boston. The genius behind entertainment decided to have an "ethnic festival" in a circular room. The "Celtic Group" was myself on Zeidler dreadnought guitar and fiddlers Matt Glaser and Johnny Cunningham (RIP). We were set up to play with no sound system in a room to accomodate about 200 people. In the same room was an organ grinder with a monkey, a hermaphrodite on stilts, jugglers, an "Italian" band, a string quartet, and THE MIME (Who shall not remain nameless: ROYAL SORRELL). We knew we were in for an enriching experience.
We play a tune and THE MIME comes over asking to juggle the fiddler's bows (which, you know, can cost thousands of $ themselves). They say no, and I tuck my guitar aside my chair, laying on the floor, seemingly safe from the dreaded aforementioned instrument stands (accident bait).
I proceed to the men's room one floor below. Upon my return, Johnny is coming down the down escaltor as I am coming up and looks ashen- and says to me (read w/ Scottish accent) "John the mime's brrrroken yer gitar anum not jokin!!!" I walk in and Matt Glaser holds his face like the painting "The Scream"- the headstock of the guitar is snapped off but still attached by the strings- jagged wood like shark's teeth- and Matt says "THE MIME ran to get a security guard so you don't attack him".
It seems THE MIME returned to the fiddlers whilst I was indisposed, to smugly say "I work with folk musicians all the time, you know. You don't have to be afraid of me. I'm a human being, just like you!" took a MIME step and landed on my headstock.
THE MIME returns wearing the security guard like a mink stole and pleads "I'll mortgage my house..anything..." I pick up the pieces and leave, distraught. My favorite guitar in the world.
Two days later, I get a call from THE MIME'S LAWYER who puffs from behind a fat cigar "Look...I've worked for this family for years...we're prepared to meet you for half the damages because the instrument was not properly secured in it's case". So much for the mortgage.
Here's the kicker: I sent the guitar to John Zeidler (RIP) to be repaired, and when he opened it UPS HAD DESTROYED THE GUITAR. End block punched in; sides split, back split. Finito. This is a guitar PACKED IN A GUITAR SHIPPING BOX WITH STYROFOAM PEANUTS, NEWSPAPER AND HARDSHELL CASE. It was either hurled from the plane to the tarmac butt first by an angry gorilla, or "fell" from 30,000 feet. Insurance paid to replace the guitar, and in the 6 months I had to wait, I gig with my wife's Yamaha.
UPS auctioned off the Zeidler splinters (isn't it great that they can recoup some of the damage money for themselves?), someone rebuilt it and last I heard somebody in Alabama bought it and resold it. I'd love to track it down if you happen to come across a Zeidler dreadnought guitar that looks like it went through a food processor, let me know.
Oh yeah, the replacement guitar is lovely, but didn't have the "thang" the destroyed one had. Thanks to The Folk Musician's Friend aka THE MIME and our friends at UPS.
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